Waiting...

I just got done going in for the last tuck in of the night. I usually give Ethan some time to "read" and settle himself down and then go in for one last kiss and sometimes if he is really chatty, we talk for a bit before saying good night. Tonight, he was really into talking about eyes. It is so interesting how little kids get hung up on something and sometimes I can figure out where it came from, but it often seems like such a random thought to me. I'm sure there was something that led his mind down this trail, but who knows?! He was telling me that he had blue eyes and mommy had blue eyes and he continued on with Grandmother, Granddad, Nana, Papa, and finally daddy. I was surprised that he actually got them all right...green, blue, brown, blue, and blue. As I laid there listening to him continue on with blue doggie and watching him look at him and notice that his eyes were black, my mind wandered a bit as I thought of his daddy's blue eyes. Oh, his deep blue, almost always laughing or smiling blue eyes. They were what first attracted me to him. No, it was not what I first noticed. I actually remember meeting him and a bunch of his friends as he was snorting jello in the cafeteria at K-State and all the guys were SO impressed while the girls (esp. me) were grossed out! :-) At the time I didn't really care to know the guy, but somehow years later, he inched his way into my heart and I am so glad he did. However, I never let him forget about the jello!

Lately, I have been feeling as if life is still moving ahead and yet I am just kind of stuck, watching it all move forward...Ethan growing up and changing, married friends growing their families, single friends beginning new dating relationships, and here I am wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I know that ultimately my purpose is to know and grow in my relationship with my Lord. But, what about the living on earth stuff. Part of that is so insignificant and doesn't really matter, but I almost feel like my life has just stopped a bit. Don't get me wrong...I still have so much hope as God fills my life with opportunities to invest in others' lives, build relationships, share about Him, and even grow in my own knowledge of Him. But, I guess I just wonder if this is it as far as having that special someone by my side to share in all of the joys and sorrows together. I have discovered there is still grief...getting away on the cruise was amazing! I was able to have some time to myself and to think through some things...to evaluate where I am at and what I want to do. Yet, as I looked back over the past couple of months, I could see where I had filled every free moment with something or someone...not allowing myself to feel lonely. As the grief becomes less intense, I am faced with the harsh reality of being ALONE! As I thought about it, I realized that I have NEVER lived alone. I went from home, to college with roommates, to marriage. I have always surrounded myself with people. I LOVE people. I love to be social and relational. Yet, I started wondering if I was using people as a crutch because I didn't want to face the loneliness and quietness and having no one there. I now have a child that lives with me that I love and adore and demands my attention. Yet, after I put him to bed, the house becomes quiet. I am not really into tv and so my options are the housework, other odd jobs, the computer, the phone, and reading. Thankfully my mom told us from a young age, "Boredom is a choice." I truly believe this and never really find myself becoming bored, but loneliness is something that can hit you even when you are busy doing three things at one time!

So now the questions begin...what AM I supposed to do from here? The big dating question has begun to surface and I have even gone on a few dates. Am I ready? That is a complicated question to answer. In some ways, I am SO ready. I LOVED being a wife. I think waiting is almost harder now because I know what it is like to be married and though it IS work and I have a better and more realistic view of it all now than when I was 23, I miss having my best friend by my side as I experience life through the ups and downs. Will I find a new best friend? I don't know. If not, I don't plan to get married again. Though I would love for my sweet boy to have a daddy and to grow my family, those are not good enough reasons to get married. God continues to take care of our needs in the most miraculous ways and put men in Ethan's path that love on him, rough house with him, teach and instruct him, and though (if I am 100% honest) if frightens me a bit to raise a boy on my own, I am trusting God with him. Whenever I start to feel like it is all on my shoulders, God reminds me that ultimately, Ethan is HIS child. God has given me a great responsibility, but not without His support. Even as I type this, I can still hear Ethan singing (quite loudly- ha) "Jesus loves me, ohhhh, yes he loves me" It just makes my heart fill with joy. God has used him so much to prove to me over and over again that He DOES have a hand in our lives and cares so deeply about our most intimate needs! What a blessing it is to have my sweet boy, a little piece of Rich, and to have faith like a child!!

My mind is just swirling with thoughts tonight and I don't feel like I am able to write them out very clearly. I just wanted to update my blog a bit to let Ethan know as he reads this someday as an adult, that God continues to work even in our confusion, in our waiting, and in our questions. We don't have to know all the answers. We just have to continue to step forward in faith and trust that He DOES have the answers and the best plan for our lives. So, I guess I kind of answered my own questions. :-) Funny how God does that when we just open our hearts to Him!

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." ~Psalm 27:14

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." ~Psalm 130:5