Cruisin' Along...

As I spend time tonight packing for my upcoming cruise, I am filled with a variety of emotions. I want so badly to be thrilled to enjoy such an amazing experience. Yet, there is a part of me that is so torn up inside. This was a trip that was "supposed" to be taken with my partner of ten years. We were so excited to dream big and start saving for our vacation and celebration of marriage. Not knowing what God had in store for us with family planning and all, we realized that this would have to be somewhat flexible, but the jar continued to be filled and as the mark grew closer, we were getting excited to think this was actually attainable!

Yet, like I said, I had no idea what God had in store for me. I am still so thrilled at the opportunity to go and to enjoy some time away with some dear girlfriends, but there is a part of me that is just aching inside as I think about Rich and how all of my "happy moments" were always so much happier when he was by my side. Rich used to always tell me that when he was away from me and experiencing something fun and exciting, he wished I could be there to experience it with him because it was always that much better with me by his side. I had to agree. There is something special about sharing those moments with the person on earth that you love the most! Awww...so as I think about this cruise, I am filled with such excitement and so much sadness all rolled into one. I want so badly to just enjoy it, and I think I will once I am on my way, but the process of preparing has been a difficult one.

Along with the mix of feelings, I am also experiencing guilt. I feel almost embarrassed to tell people I am going thinking that I should not be enjoying such an extravagant trip. So many people have expressed their genuine happiness and excitement for me and I know everyone wants me to have fun in life, but it is just hard to really accept all the good that has been given to me. I know others have trials and hardships too and I feel like so much attention has been poured out in my direction that others' pain and suffering may have been overlooked at times. I want everyone to experience the true love of the body of Christ and God's faithfulness in their lives as I have in my own. I want them to see what a mighty God we serve and remember that we all have trials, but God is capable of granting the grace to get through it ALL. I was reminded when meeting with a friend recently, how truly sheltered we Christians in America are to the real meaning of persecution and suffering. It is so commonplace in some areas of the world for Christians to be harassed, raped, beaten, and even killed just for claiming their love for Christ. And though I do not want to lose my mercy for others and their hardships, I want to keep my perspective clear on our eternal purpose on this earth and not get so caught up in these sufferings or my own "woe is me" moments. I want to be a martyr in the right sense of the word. I know God can be glorified even in my life as I experience the joy of traveling with friends on my cruise. Yet, I still struggle a bit with letting myself 100% truly enjoy moments. It is a sign to me that I have not completely let go of the grief in my life, even though I so desperately want to release it! It is a bit of a stronghold that I realize I need to give up to God because I don't want it to hold me back from living life and moving on with my life. I know God still has great plans for my future and it excites me so much when I see the way he continues to use me and work in my life. I am working on finding the balance of letting the grief go, and yet still allowing God to use my experience to reach others.

If I am completely honest, another emotion I am also experiencing as I plan to leave is a bit of fear. You would think with all that I have been through, I would learn to trust God with my life and the life of my son. Yet, I still struggle a bit as I think of leaving Ethan and the thought of what if I don't return. When I really think about it, I know that I am Not in control of my life and so I need to just let go and trust. But, I still have this motherly nature that does not want to see my son hurt or suffer if I have anything to say about it. I would rather lose him than have him go through the suffering of losing both parents. We have talked about me leaving and it is so hard because he gets all upset and doesn't want me to go. I know he will be fine and is being left in good hands, but I also fear a bit for his emotional well being. At one point this week, he said, "Mommy die too?" I wanted to cancel the cruise right then and there. Yet, I know from personal experience that it doesn't really matter if I am here in Topeka or across the world...God is in control! I told him those exact words, "God is in control, sweetheart, and he loves you very much!"

So, as I pack my bags to set sail on Sunday, I covet your prayers for a vacation that is filled with joy as I take time away to refresh my mind, body, and soul. I pray that my son will be secure in knowing that God loves him and that the time will pass quickly for him without fear or sadness of his mommy being away.